Just a Repost From Another Lifetime 

Though it still holds true, at times. 

At some point in my life, I hope to be the greatest at something. I am marginally okay at a lot of things I teach myself, but there’s always that emptiness, the indescribable feeling of coming up short, never enough. Never good enough. I must stop comparing. 

I’ve always felt an ill-consuming indifference in my life though that is not say that I spend a majority of it complaining of such things. Much of my existence has been a good one; an acceptable, tolerable and fair one that I have come to understand. Though I think, curiously, in the back of my mind, this feels like settling. I don’t want to nor do I ever want to feel like “settling”. That isn’t me, not yet, and hopefully not ever. 

I’m terrified that I will never be able to get passed these feelings of monumental doom, these inner demons I’m losing to. The feeling of darkness consuming my every thought. Never good enough. Never.

Welcoming of the New 

Yet again, we start anew. Each day with a purpose of its own, living and breathing and appreciating life in all its spectacles and wonderment, never once looking back to dwell on a regret.

I have a strong outlook for the new year. My greatest goal this year, as it was last year, is to be a better version of myself than I was last year. 

Start new everyday. It is a privilege that I will not take for granted. 

Watch the sunrise and sunset a little longer. I try to capture the transition as much as I possibly can, as there is nothing more beautiful than the changing of colors reflecting off the sky. When I am witnessing pure lightness, it’s akin to seeing a blank canvas becoming a masterpiece. There are no words. 

Friendliness vs Friendship. I struggled a bit in 2016 trying to understand some people. Sometimes my heart didn’t want to accept what is ultimately true and I often mistaken friendliness for friendship even though my intuition warned me otherwise. I suppose I can seem naive but sometimes I feel it is a burden how hyper-aware I am in such situations. I can feel the awkwardness, yet I am unsure how to deal with it. It is like being deer-like in emotional headlights. I am aware, too aware, but somehow not accustomed to dealing with the idea of friendship on such a magnitude that I’ve created for myself. Something I want so much, but for absolutely no logical reason. 

My heart is growing slightly softer as I begin to let go and understand that not everyone has the same intentions as you. When I was in school, I was unpopular and craved friendship so much that it tore me up. It meant i sacrificed my happiness for the sake of others. In doing so, I created a toxic version of myself. I spent too much time analyzing shit that didn’t matter. I spent hours writing in my notebooks, doodling away, and hours trying to understand why I couldn’t be like the other girls – naive, but well liked. In the end, it didn’t really matter. What matters is what you think of yourself and how you want to perceive yourself. 

It is always harder when you are too aware. Something that is a blessing and a curse. This is still something I still struggle with, and something I hope to slowly let go of.