I Would Like to Forget You


An effortless being you must be, clouded in your beliefs of existence. Your steady silence and patience, a form of a strength which i cannot and will not define, speaks volumes in non-speak. I gravitate toward you. A magnetic pull of which defies explaination. 
I don’t know you enough. But I want to say I love you. But I do not, maybe not. I would like to know you. It seemed like a whole lifetime before I got to say hello. Now it’s goodbye. 

A pull from you, like strong currents from ocean waves, I melt to you. Completely. A conscious thought of wonderment. You are, without a doubt, a mystery shrouded in wholeness. 

You taught me, again and again, not to dream of you. A poignant message, however keen.  For what is life, if life without you? 

Perhaps you are hiding from me, unwilling to admit. Illicit imagery, a taste of the edge. A budding charm of a life uncertain. A cloud of confusion, retaliating your thoughts and beliefs. Your heart. Your being. To be. Very simply, as you say. But not so simply, when thoughts of me pervade you.

I would like to thank you, for clarifying to me what love is not. You were a misstep in my judgement, a will of strength to which I must let go. Because you are not who I thought. 

I would like to forget you. 

And I will, one day, melt to you less. And less. For you are not worth melting for. 

There will be a time when I would like to love fully. Completely. For what you are is merely a means to an end. A hazy cloud of what it might’ve been, had it been. If. Though the end does not justify the means. 

And it’s okay. 

Gratitude List

Yumminess
Yumminess

Summer is close to an end but that means the transition into Fall will be vibrant with falling autumn leaves, warm light and the trickle of breeze that reminds us that seasons are a-changing.

I remind myself to be grateful for things/experiences I’ve had because  I know how fortunate I am. Things I complain about, like the stifling heat, is small in comparison to everything that’s going on in the world. There’s so much more awesomeness that outweighs the summertime sads.

Quietness

Ever since I moved to San Mateo, I live up in what I consider the woodsy area of the city. It’s a bit hilly here, but there are trees and fresh air and space.  My drives are scenic and there’s a great Farmer’s Market just walking distance from mi casa. There’s less city noise and more birds chirping. You would think that i’d sleep better in the quiet but I guess I’m still accustomed to sleeping with the roaring of planes flying overhead and the dull sounds of street traffic. Baby steps 🙂

Sunrises/Sunsets on my balcony  

How beautiful it is to have the sky painted in a canvas of water colors and I get to witness it every morn and evening? One of the best things 🙂

When life gets blurry, adjust your focus
When life gets blurry, adjust your focus

Goals

I am forever trying to be better, evolving, and be a little less insane 😉 Some weekends I go out for adventures in true Jen style which means no downtime. But some weekends, I rest and catch up on sleep I’ve lost. I call it an annual sleep catch up though that’s not how it works. I try to disengage all systems and relax.

Sometimes I will spend some weekends de-cluttering my belongings which proves to be very meditative. I put on some music, enjoy the fresh air coming from my balcony and try to sit quietly instead of running around. I’ve been working on getting centered and living more consciously. Doing an activity for a purpose rather than just doing it for activity’s sake. In that, I have found slightly more peace to an otherwise busy life.

Might seem small and boring, but I am okay with that 🙂

Little Slice of California Dreamin’

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There’s nothing to it
There is no
Life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there
You’ll be free
If you truly wish to be
When I read that Gene Wilder passed away, a part of my childhood died a little.
Every time I hear Pure Imagination, i always picture simplicity. Blowing a birthday candle, making a wish.
As a strong introvert, most of my peaceful and serene times are spent alone. The draw of having a ton of family around at all times isn’t very intuitive for me, though I sometimes wish it were. When I watched Willy Wonka as a child, I rooted for Charlie always. I saw a part of me in him, alone but curious. Happy with the little things. What I envied was the strong family connection he had – a grandfather with childlike enthusiasm and king of the odd joke.

The following photographs are pictures of a simple narrative – a wondrous little slice of California, a weekend away.

California, as it should be. One of pure imagination, and peace.

Jennifer Ngan Photography

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5 Important Things I learned in 2 Years: Life and Finances 

jennifer ngan photography
I used to wonder why people would give up their sense of security to live out in the woods, give up all their possessions to travel the world, and washing dishes for a couch to sleep on.

Then I thought, hey, maybe they don’t want to have a 9-5 slave job, and let the years pass by like in a blink of an eye. Perhaps they want to be nomads and live off the beaten path.

Living minimally seems like a lot of effort when you have things. Things like a large TV, a Netflix subscription, Amazon Prime, smart phones. Though it is true that that those people described above are on the extreme end of the spectrum, it is also quite unrealistic if you have attachments. And when I say attachments, I don’t mean to stuff, I mean to your family, your parents, your friends, your neighbors, your community. There are ways to live consciously without sacrificing all of the comfort we know and love.

In 2015, i embarked on an adventure that i thought would be fun, but I realized it sort of changed my perspective. I got out more, saw more things and appreciated deeply.

Here are some insights I’ve learned along the way

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Having an English Degree: Why Does it Matter in the “Real World”?

Jennifer Ngan Photography

One question I get asked a lot as of late is, why did you study English and why is it that you’re an accounting professional and not a…. teacher, or a novelist? Poet? How can you be both? “It’s the total opposite.”

The yin and yang, the duality….that’s why.

While that may be somewhat truthful, that answer will garner weird looks.

How many of us will say that the career paths we’ve chosen are far from what we’ve studied at University? I am sure plenty of people can relate to that statement.

But it seems, sometimes I need to mightily defend the study of English.

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Falling From the Penthouse: Working, but Traveling for Leisure

There is something so flawless about friendships and making friends isn't there? The human emotion + the need to connect. Not too long ago I stood in the elevator of a hotel feeling like a rejected girl because I wanted to be friends with someone who just didn't reciprocate. I felt strangely out of place and sad because I tried and tried and maybe my heart was in the right place but somewhere there was a disconnect. It was not mutual despite our conversations and seemingly good place. I ended the night by humming to Hey Jude while accepting the fact that not everyone will want friendship. Sometimes it just is. And you must let it go. Let it be. I still learn those lessons today, and probably will for many years. We often create our own heartbreaks through expectation. And what else is there to do after letting go seems to fail us? Hopefully we become better humans for it, and hold onto what's left of our hearts. --- Part 2/3 creative writing project

It’s no secret I enjoy traveling, and stay-cationing and planning my next little getaway. Because I work full time in a career that isn’t travel related, and doesn’t require much, if any, traveling, a lot of people often ask how i get to travel as much as i do while holding down a corporate job and having to be in the office during the weekdays.

Getting out there has always been a priority for me. Whether it is visiting another state, spending time in the next big city or slipping away into the woods, travel opportunities do not end when you choose to have a career. I get that there are people who quit their jobs and become nomads from country to country, washing dishes for a couch, backpacking their way through the world, but it is not a reality for everyone and there are people like you and I who want to sustain our professional careers without sacrificing our love to travel.

Here are some pointers that have worked for me in the past.

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You May Say That I’m a Dreamer

Jennifer Ngan Photography

When I was five, I struggled in kindergarten because I had a hard time understanding and speaking English. All my life, I only spoke Cantonese at home, and going to school was terrifying as it was brutal. The teachers suggested to my parents that I should stay behind, and take another year to catch up. My immigrant mother did not budge and knew that I will grow into it. She wasn’t worried.

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Writing As a Form of Meditation Through Self Reflection

Sometimes I lose touch with reality from stress. Getting flashbacks from things best stored away. I don't have a "method" to deal with triggers. It just is. I like to say i am above work stress, but I am not. Why does it matter really? It doesn't. In hindsight, some things are out of our control. I just wish my mind and body could agree. But, it is a brand new day... ☀️

There are pens and pencils that litter coffee table. Notepads and sticky notes shoved in every drawer and corner around my desk. Notes on my phone far too plenty, with new things added daily. Phrases i like, buttery rich words, pictures, artwork, lyrical sentences in the abstract nature, verbs, idioms, and sentences in every literary technique. A string of favorite quotes for artistic merit. All of that far too precious to be without.

This mess, if you look hard enough, is evidence of self reflection. It’s all in the trying to fall asleep thing at night, the restlessness, the sometimes-anxiety that comes and goes. The lying awake at night; that turns into midnight stories, short fiction. Creative writings. They are the scattered thoughts and dialogues of someone far too empathetic to let things go. And someone who wants to make sense of it all. Not through logic, no, but through the heart.

Most of my writings is a series of reflections, thoughts and musings. They have all my initials attached in some form or another. Sometimes I write things that resemble the symbol of ugliness but it is a representation of the things I’ve felt, and written in anger or frustration. There are words I’ve written, letters that are laced with scars and heat of the moment observations. The unwavering honesty is what makes the words authentic, true. Though exposed, and the exposure is then what makes a person naked.

In moments like those, it requires strength to emerge from the shadows. Shadows of shame and guilt. To truly recognize those written words, and understand that I am the imperfect person standing, it is recognizing that imperfection is just a side effect of the human condition. In that sense of reflection, it is a humbling realization to acknowledge my flaws before those I want to be the Most Perfect For.

I started journaling since I was in 7th or 8th grade, and continuously kept journals (both paper and online) since. What I realized when I went through more than a decade of old notebooks and writings was that I kept beating myself up for not being good enough, and never being the person that I wanted to be. Maybe it’s the angst of growing up, or it was self reflection.

Sometimes it is a sad thing, the realization. The realization that you are not how you want to see yourself. That you’re better, or your idea of yourself is much better than who you think you actually are. But this is part of the journey and it takes a special lens to see through the distortion. The mess. When there is evidence of reflection, creation, improvement, it is okay to see past it. I learned that writing, in any form, is a form of meditation. It helps with cultivating awareness to your thoughts and actions, seeing things for what they are and being okay with it. Writing it down, structuring those sentences, mapping out the timeline, and simply letting it flow through inertia

And to quote one of my favorites – “Good Luck Exploring the Infinite Abyss”

Goodnight.

Jen Signature